If you remember, my last consternation welled up from a lack of self-esteem, and affected my ideal of what it means to be a good designer. Am I the tireless entrepreneur? Am I the non-stop designer that must be creating something? Can I be happy by simply loving what I’m doing when I’m doing it? And if that’s not design, so be it.
I sat down and talked with Kelly again (someday we’ll talk about her - the best - my favorite). She seems to find a way to get passed my esteem issues when I’m unable - and ironically this goes the other way. (how silly are humans?) She brought up a very poignant observation how I exert my design-Self without realizing it’s significance. But it wasn’t part of the equation of grading one as a “good enough” designer. And it’s about the ability and constant method of design thinking no matter where or when or what I’m involved. I do it with everything. The things I love, the things I own or want to consume, the products/offerings/services/apps/watches/pens/computers/UIs/games/satchels/cars/architecture/on/and/on are based off of some criteria, like some benefactor of art school’s Gestalt theories, some theory of play, some observation of feeling and style, form and function, depth psychology or just simple utility. It depends on the “thing” I’m looking at, the problem I’m solving, the conversation I’m having and who’s with me (the audience).
So, what’s the problem here? Well, I suppose there isn’t one, now. I seem to step back from any random problem, hear the points from the issuer, and “do something”. What may take someone weeks of meetings with hands full of people, and previously even too much thought, I seem to help in an hour (I’m not a know-it-all, and I’m not always right - I don’t want to exclaim some high-ability). Granted, the work could be simple sticky notes, but sometimes that’s all that’s required. I’m not a machine - I don’t create everything I’m involved with single-handedly. We have established I am not the type. Maybe being someone with ideas and solutions is enough when one understands one’s own shortcomings and instead, loves bringing people together to implement and ideate. I don’t need to subscribe to the ever-working entrepreneur or non-stop designer or one-stop thought leader (I’m not sure I’m cut out for management). I write, I think, I sketch, I read, I listen, and I love what I do when I do it. Vague, yes, and I’m sure not ground-breaking. But for my own story, it’s a deeper realization. And I’ve needed it for a long time.
What I now see in myself is not just a sadness of self-esteem. It’s not just confidence peeking through either. Always having the critic whispering in my inner ear harms creativity - the thinking part of designing anything. I may not fight for a solution I’ve found to work best. I may change my mind too easily, too often, moved by anyone. I find this dangerous.
Now, I hope you can recognize some flaw in yourself - the bits you don’t do well. Maybe the struggle itself is what holds us back. So, when we are not able to retaliate, internally, we are sub-par externally. And that feels cheap. It feels like something too easy to get over because it’s affecting something much more important - not just my sense of being good enough, but loving how good I know I am. That’s not arrogance. That’s paramount to the process of growth we all sometimes feel powerless to pursue (perhaps with no pursuit at all).
I’d like to craft things, not simply work on things. Shall we care for ourselves so we then care for the ultimate outcomes of what we make (as those shape us too)? Well, until the next problem, we can see if it works out. So many things are new to me, no matter my experience, my age, or the stories I read. Thank god.